Dr. Monée answers questions from website visitors regarding issues of conflict. Please note that due to ongoing professional commitments, Dr. Monée may not respond to all questions received and will be selective in Question & Answer postings which will remain anonymous to protect the writer’s identity, unless otherwise indicated. Because Dr. Monée’s selective Questions & Answers will be posted here for visitors to see, please refrain from revealing the true identity of others when submitting questions. If you would like to submit a question, click here to e-mail Dr. Monée directly
Q: After two years of dating, I broke up with my boyfriend and I am wondering if I should keep in contact with his three young children.
A: Although you are the one who broke off the relationship, it sounds as though you feel affection towards these children and/or are feeling guilty for not being in their lives with their father. But I am going to choose the former position because your concern for these children is most evident. If your ex will allow you to keep in touch with his children, then I would say do so because your relationship with them does breathe its own life. However, if your ex is having a hard time with this, especially if he begins seeing someone else, see if you can help him to understand that their lives do matter to you even if the two of you are no longer together. More often than not, it is the children who face the most challenges when caught in the middle of a relational breakup. And although many professionals would say that children are resilient to adversity, I do not buy it. If children seem resilient to adults it is mainly because children are silent in their pain and are unable to articulate their feelings to adults. Children need caring and comforting adults around them who allow them to express their thoughts and feelings in order to rise above their pain; therefore, let your heart guide you in finding these three angels because they have a right to know their lives matter to you.
Q: I have been in a lesbian relationship for over a year and my parents have no idea. Having just turned twenty-five, I have been questioning my sexuality and wondering if my fear of “coming out” is why I am unable to tell my parents.
A: You say that you have only recently been questioning your sexuality. What does that mean, recently? I am wondering if questioning your sexuality is more about your fear of how your parents will react in “telling them” than about your fear of “coming out.” It would probably be worth the time and effort to explore the ins and outs of your relationship with your lover and with your parents. In other words, as simple as it sounds, take a piece of paper and write down all of the pros and cons of telling. What this will do is give you an opportunity to have a dialogue with yourself regarding this situation. I would also encourage you to speak with someone you feel close to and trust, possibly a counselor, and have a dialogue with them, as well. The more you talk the more you will find a different way and feel less stuck. However, if questioning “coming out” is your true dilemma, my question would be what challenges surround you and then explore them. I support you in being true to yourself while helping those around you to respect who you are no matter how you choose to live your life.
Q: From age five until age seven, I was raped repeatedly and forced to dress up in girls clothing by neighborhood teenage boys. Now, in my late twenties, I have been surging anger towards the people who are the closest to me, especially my wife. How do I begin to work through this?
A: I applaud you for having the courage to explore your past that has and always will be a part of your present. And my hope for you is for you to learn how to live with this memory in a productive manner. So many people can say to you, “forget about it, it’s in the past”; however, forgetting about it is not the answer, but rather, how are you going to choose to live with it is the question. In fact, I would encourage you to seek a face-to-face professional with whom you feel is compassionate, but who is also willing to challenge you in your pain. I would want this someone to help you explore what you have or have not shared with your wife. I would want this someone to help you explore who your caregivers were at the time of the abuse. I would want this someone to help you to learn how to love yourself for all you are while helping you to sort out the chaotic feelings of anger and the shame and the guilt that can come along with such physical abuse. Certainly, this will be a long winding road that may seem endless, but surely it will be an opportunity for you to make choices in choosing your own path. I encourage you to continue sharing your struggle in order to feel the glory of who you are.
Q: For the past seven years, I have been married to my husband and recently I have wanted to talk to him about having an open marriage in hopes of experiencing the romance we lost years ago. Am I crazy for thinking this way?
A: No, you are not crazy for thinking this way. In fact, many people think of such thoughts especially when they feel they are missing something in their relationship. Is it greener on the other side? I would venture to say it all depends on what greener means to you. It would probably be worth exploring where these
feelings are coming from. In other words, what is actually going on or not going on in your relationship to bring about this desire? Do you know your spouse’s feelings regarding this subject? If you do and he is open minded, I would say to explore with him; however, if he is not open minded, I would begin by talking with him about your relationship together and finding out what both of you are willing or not willing to do to keep your relationship growing. Also, do you have children who are involved? If so, that is another issue in terms of the consequences of your actions. When it comes to families and decisions being made, the family needs to be respected via holding itself accountable in showing respect and compassion. So then, as you share your thoughts and feelings, you may be surprised in finding your husband looking a little greener.
Q: Following the experience of several miscarriages before the age of 35, my son was born a miracle baby. In the next few months, I will enter graduate school and yet, I am feeling very maternal and wanting to have another child. My husband says another child will interfere with our lives and with my education. Is there a way to have my education, have a quality of life with my husband and raise another child?
A: The will of a heart is powerful and with it miracles are possible. And although life can seem too challenging at times, we can rise above and make the best of what we have. With having shared those inspiring words, it may be of value to explore the challenges of having had a miracle child and how that challenge has affected your husband and your relationship as a whole. In fact, you may be recalling your accomplishments in relation to the years that have passed and wondering how much time you have left to do all that you hope to do which includes having a companion sibling for your only child. Life is a process and even though many believe that life has to be put on hold to accomplish certain things, the reality is that life is and will continue to be a part of our lives. Most certainly, you can have your education and have a quality of life with your husband while raising another child; however, in committing to such an undertaking, it is important to realize the challenges before you, but to also realize the joy that comes with a loving family environment. I would encourage you to speak with your husband about what he means when he says another child will interfere with your lives since it will take two to make your desire come true.
Please be mindful that the answers provided to the questions posted are meant to be helpful to specific individuals and should not be considered a "blanket response" since issues of conflict vary greatly from person to person.
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